Bring compassion: A "baby writer" on attending your first Hideout residency
/I call myself a “baby writer”.
I guess the word would be “emerging” or “aspiring,” but I write arts grants for a living, so I find it hard to use the word “emerging” in my off time. “Baby” in that I feel like a wobbly toddler taking their first steps, quietly babbling to myself as I find my voice. If we are to view time in a traditional, linear sense, I am at the beginning of my journey, after years of denying myself the destination.
Saying goodbye to my real baby before I leave for the retreat!
What stunted my growth and kept me a “baby writer” despite being a 35-year-old woman?
I think it all boils down to a lack of confidence. I dreamed of “being a writer” in its most romantic sense when I was young, and I wrote constantly and almost effortlessly as a child and teen. But I NEVER showed any of my work to anyone else and felt such despair at the thought of (*gasp*) a reader! And so, the dream died, but I am trying to revive it, like many in their mid-thirties who are grasping for a will to live. I like the idea of looking back to find what will propel you forward.
When I can, I go to the local writer’s guild and read bad (probably) poetry to my captive guild member audience, but it feels good to dip my toes in and wade into more creative spaces. It also feels good to see young writers there, writers who are still so young and yet have found a group of people who celebrate and love their creative spirit. It makes me feel happy that they won’t stop writing, and it makes me want to start. Is that growing older and wiser?
The stars as seen from The Hideout on the eve of my birthday.
During the week of my 35th birthday, I attended my first writer’s retreat. Long and odd story short, I did a clown/dance performance at my work’s talent show and applied for and won a scholarship to complete a writer’s retreat. I was terrified of dancing and clowning in public, and terrified of accepting my desire to write, so I killed two birds with one stone. There were only a handful of people I felt comfortable telling about the retreat, but it was nice to have their well-wishes. They certainly didn’t all point at me and say, “YOU CAN’T WRITE”!!!
I stayed five days at The Hideout in late September. Here are some things to remember as you grow.
1) Bring lots of ideas. That way, when #2 happens to you, you can move on to a new idea. I told a writer friend of mine (a real writer, not an aspiring literary toddler like me) that I was going on a retreat, and he asked me if I had ever had a block of time like this devoted to writing. Reflecting, I don’t think I have had a block of time dedicated to anything but Christmas break in the past ten years. But he went on to say that it can be pretty overwhelming, five whole days devoted to writing, and he really struggled with it. And frankly, I struggled with it too. I write constantly for work (emails, memos, contracts, etc), so suddenly having all the time in the world devoted to something you only regularly get scraps of is a big feeling. But that is ok. I wanted to warn you so that you wouldn’t be scared. Take it day by day, or hour by hour! Rome wasn’t built in a week-long writer’s retreat, ok!!!
Went for a long walk and hung out in this bog (pond?) for a bit. It was lovely! September means fewer bugs!
2) Be nice to yourself. Every time I get down on myself, my friend Amanda will say, “Hey! Don’t talk about my friend Keara like that.” And it snaps me out of it. But be prepared for the day when you wake up and think what you have written stinks. Every idea you ever had stinks, and you don’t deserve to be here. In fact, you don’t deserve anything. Don’t worry, you are not so unique that you are alone in your desperation! For “baby writers,” this can feel overwhelming because you are just learning to stand, and you feel like your brain is trying to bowl you over, but try to remember that everyone starts somewhere. A friend of mine suggested Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott, and I brought it along; it got me through these hard parts.
3) Bring Books. Or more accurately, read. I don’t know if I would have gotten out of my doom spiral if I hadn’t read Bird by Bird at exactly that time, but I feel as though it is just as important to read as to write. Read, write, think, and repeat. On the other hand, you don’t need to bring books because Trevor and Joshua have an impressive book and magazine collection. I have a weakness for magazines (courtesy of a Teen Vogue obsession in my teens), so I loved tearing through a New Yorker when I needed a break.
The reading chair, the magazines, the CD player, the bubbly water. This is perfection.
4) Bring compassion for yourself. You will likely not abandon all your previous struggles with executive dysfunction and become a changed person over the course of the week. You will likely not sit down and write all day, the pages flying cartoonishly through the air as you wear your pencil down to the nub. So, make time for other activities! If you do manage to do this, please let me know.
What can you do instead? There is so much to do! You can borrow a bike and ride into Victoria! Do yoga in the sun! Sit out on the chairs and gaze at the stars, or go for a walk and say Hi to all our cow friends out there. Dance to Trevor and Joshua’s incredible CD collection...Metric just feels right when played from a CD. I did all those things, and I had a wonderful time.
Cows are so beautiful, here are some from just down the road!
Who knows what your first writers' retreat will be like? Only future you! The Hideout has a quiet garden for reflection, a comfy and spacious bed, and a reading chair for relaxation, and it is secluded enough to make you feel removed from your everyday life. What I loved the most about mine was that I felt safe and supported in exploring this side of me that I had kept hidden for so many years. Writing for such an extended period made me realize what I love most about writing and why I have remained so steadfastly devoted to this dream over the years. Writing slows down my brain and allows me to think. It might be one of the few things that slow my brain down. I am grateful for this mind-body connection and would likely not have realized it without my retreat.
It’s hard to gain the confidence to talk, share, and invest time and care in your art. The Hideout is the perfect spot for someone new to writing, a baby, if you will. Calm, secluded, and inspiring. It has changed me for the better, and I hope it changes you, too.
Love, Keara
xoxo
Keara Higgins is an accomplished emerging arts professional with a strong background in research and philanthropy. A graduate of Queen’s University with a master’s in arts leadership, Keara has combined her academic foundation in history and art history with practical experience across various sectors, including arts and culture, hospitality, and creative manufacturing.
Currently serving as the Sponsorship Coordinator at the Confederation Centre of the Arts, Keara manages corporate sponsorship relationships, grant writing, and many other partnerships that support the arts. Her commitment to sustainability in arts and culture extends to her volunteer work with the Garden of the Gulf Museum, a small community museum in her hometown. Increasingly envious of the artists she is surrounded with, Keara tries to write when she can and aspires to share her work with the ever-welcoming and supportive Island artistic community.
Beyond her professional pursuits, Keara is an avid at-home chef, sourdough enthusiast, and contemporary dancer, and likely has a few unfinished crafting projects underway!
